Winds of Change

I know. Its the title of the song. It matches with how I feel right now. Obviously.

Some call it a poetic feeling. Some call it gut. For me, maybe its a collection of reflections which have not been vented in some time.

So much has changed. Especially people. Being relative, its a matter of thought to decide whether i have changed more or others. In any case, change is inevitable. And like most others, I am not fond of it too. I am not going to be addled enough in the head to say that I am unaffected by it but recently, I have come to realise that more important than figuring out whether one is affected by it or not is accepting it and figuring out the best way to deal with it.

I'll go a step further and say capitalise on it. Yeah, even though it may give you a point of concern of sociable behaviour on my part, I find it hard to say that I wont and frankly speaking, since the ROW is pretty much interested in that too, looks like "being different" is not really profitable here.

Situations change. People change. Someone has told me often that one should not get attached to an extent that you cannot let go. I find myself in a place that I have to concur even though I am in vehement disagreement over this since a very long time.

No one can tell you the best way to live. You are the only one who can decide that. Maybe its better to take things not so seriously. Especially people. Because at the end of the day, not many are willing to put your concerns in their field of thought. What you do may be of huge importance to you but may fail to make even the slightest difference in somebody else's life. Your feelings towards people are likely to change in time. Nothing can change that. It does seem more appropriate to let go and let things search the right path for themselves. All you can do is just do the right thing. And that, should be independent of everybody else. Really.

Soren Kierkegaard once said, dont forget to love yourself. I think therein lies the key to existence. I do not mean narcissism. Just a tinge of indifference for things that fall below your involvement. It is simply to protect yourself against the possible sadness they may have a capability to bring upon you.

Another observation which seems to be successful for most people and which i have never agreed with is the lack of emotions one must show to everyone. Again, i dont mean be insensitive. To make it clearer, it is like making a frank an open exterior while keeping inside those thoughts you may not necessarily need to share. This is difficult for me. Somehow, i believe that letting those closest to you know what you are feeling and everything else makes somebody as big a part of your own life as yourself. Lately, this has been reinforced in many ways as something irrelevant and unecessary in this phase of life. Its a downside of being a hopeless romantic.

All this gives me a sense of change that i have not felt in the past three years. It is an undercurrent of experience that i think only a maddening combination of BITS Pilani and life can concoct for you.

MAYBE it is time for superficial to become relevant.

MAYBE it is time to stop falling in "love" every damn year.

MAYBE it is time to take professional life not as a given but something to strive for.

MAYBE it is time to take a backseat from trying to please those whom i care for and let things be.

MAYBE it is time to stop living life as a sine curve. On the outside at least.

MAYBE it is time to stop looking. No kidding.

MAYBE it is time to stop being frivolous, making orgy jokes, racist comments, random laughter, sexist remarks et al

MAYBE it is time to grow up. On the outside at least.

I am done living in denial about most things in life. The answer does not lie in being carefree but letting the world know that you are.

It is unfortunate that i have not blogged in ages and not given enough room to express my thoughts in clarity. Maybe i should blog more often. An online diary will help i guess. For someone like me, in more ways than one.

Oh and yeah, if I forgot, what i have done this summer and which shall be a part of my life from now on :) http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=9528&uid=99668319088

So long and thanks for all the you know what.

full circle

There are times when one feels life has come a full circle. I feel this at this very moment.

A test in 2 hours for which i have been up the entire night. Had one for which i was up all of last night too.

a friendship lies broken, another strengthened, opportunities arise and darkness falls.....

what was, is not today and what should be may never be... such is the way of the road we call life.

Its been a while and emotions overrun me as i write this.

For once, i want to shout and let the world know. But that can never be, may never be....

But as they say, it is not for us to decide what time is to be given to us but what to do in the time that is given to us...

Here lies what may be in a carnival of rust...

"To breathe the name
Of your saviour
In your hour of need
And taste the blame,
If the flavour should remind you of greed
Of implication, insinuation and you will
Till you cannot lie still
In all this turmoil
Before red cave and foil
Come closing in for a kill

Come feed the rain
'Cos I'm thirsty for your love,
Dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah feed the rain
'Cos without your love
My life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust

It's all a game
Avoiding failure
When true colours will bleed
All in the name of misbehaviour
And the things we don't need

I lost for after no disaster can touch,
Touch us anymore
And more than ever
I hope to never fall,
Where enough is not the same it was before

Come feed the rain
'Cos I'm thirsty for your love,
Dancing underneath the skies of lust
Yeah feed the rain
'Cos without your love
My life ain't nothing but this carnival of rust "

- S

happy birthday :)

If there was anyone in the world who could epitomise madness and beauty at the same time, it would definitely be her. The quirky nature, the infallible attitude, the loving nature and of course, the exceedingly good looks J, well, they are but her.

Since I have known her, I have come a long way in knowing her for who she is and what she wants to be. Trust me (and I am talking to you here), they are two very very different things! You may feel that what you are is in direct relation to what you want to be but it is not so. Let me tell it more explicitly. Its an immature thing to say that one is crazy and not do anything about it and then say that one wants to change. Do you see the contradictions within these statements inherent in themselves? You are crazy, no doubt, but sweet crazy. Its what makes you YOU. Dont lose it. However, don’t overestimate it for whatever social reason you might construe AND  use it as excuses (you know what I mean ;) ). What you want to be however is unknown to you also. That is what I perceive. Your biggest desire is to be unique. What you don’t realise is that you are already unique. And is you continue in your pursuit of uniqueness, you might just land up being like someone else you know. After all, our subconscious directs us to be like those we admire. So, we should constantly strive to better ourselves and improve, not try and be unique all the time. It takes only a moment of madness for that uniqueness to be reflected as either a Hitler or as a Gandhi J

You’re afraid. Very afraid. Not of anything new but of everything old. You may not like this, but you like status quo. You do not want much change in what you like. This is a decent line of thinking. However, in my humble opinion, what is good can definitely be better. That is when one decides to take risks. We have a fundamental law in finance which I feel permeates in the very core of human life itself. It goes like, “The risk and return to an investment are positively correlated”. You realise the significance of this statement? It is good to preserve what is good but you are cheating yourself if you shy away from making it better. I know what you’re thinking at this moment. What if it fails? What if I lose what I had before? Who says you might not? You very well might. But do you not feel that if it did become better, it would be the so much more awesome and you would be so much more happier? I do not say this for the very thing you are thinking of right now my dear for all your decisions about everything J

 Remember those two questions I had asked you that day and I had pointed out something to you about what you would have done if you would not have thought so otherwise? I hope you understood the importance of that. Because I definitely did realise something. I realised that it is not necessary people who like each other to go out unless both of them are willing to accept the risks of what may be and what may never be. However, being the Tolkien fan that I am, I maintain that it is not for us to decide what time is to be given to us but what to do in the time that is given to us J Maybe the day you decide the day to improvise upon life, life itself may not give you an opportunity to do so. Might as well take the opportunity as and when its given to you eh? ;)

It is surprising to see myself having changed so much around you. I considered myself too conceited to do so J I mean, imagine the first condescending reply I ever gave to you. We seem to have come a long way from there huh? One thing I learnt from that was that definitely don’t stick to fist impressions. No one is asking you to not form them but definitely don’t stick them!

For all the madness, randomness, I thank you. For all the “long talks” we had, I appreciate you (most people don’t last out in arguments ;) ). AND, lastly, for being you, I adore you J A very happy birthday to you and I hope that this year both of us see something different in life and in each other J After all, one would not want both of to start liking status quo eh ;)

I usually always put a song to appropriate my feelings in my posts as I feel they are closest things to represent emotions in writing. The sanctity of my blog has already been breached :( ( I mean this post is hardly dark) but its for a dark person so what the heck ;)

So here is the song. One of my favs for you... "Say (All I need) from One Republic

"Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it"

 

an end and a start

There come these times when you know that you have just about seen it all and felt whatever a particular situation had to offer but you should stop yourself there and try and think one thing:

Really?

The answer will usually be an "of course". But for those selective souls who are not conceited (and whom i sincerely admire), the answer shall be the opposite for arrogance does blind you. Blind to the extent that you may think you may be in control of it all and that you can deal with anything you lay your hands on.

As usual, i have learnt this hard way. The bigger you are, the harder you fall. Could not be more true as of today. Learnt what i ask myself again?

The answer is stark: never judge people. (not because its a "bad" thing to do but because it will yield a wrong judgment. ALWAYS)

To give your trust to people is an easy and desirable thing to do. Makes you feel more happy with yourself and a warm feeling of having someone to be there for you is inevitable. But this is one of those childish idealistic fantasies that you want to keep to direct your actions for as long as you can and as always, there comes a time when you know you just have to stop doing that. Not just say you'll stop, actually do.

People can be disgusting. They can manipulate you into doing a lot of things. They can even make a mockery out of you once its all over for them.

However, the point is not that you should not ever be in such a situation. The point is that you should realise that you are in such a situation once its happening and take corrective action for the future. That is when you would have reached maturity's one more notch i guess. Another lesson learnt from college life to possible save your ass in the future.

There was this story in the literature reader in 12th grade back in school written by william hazlitt in what he called a letter to his son. The part which was the most important in that and maybe what i did not realise back then was the fact that one should have restricted exterior and and frank interior.

What this means is that you should have the guts to accept to yourself that you have been wrong about someone, something... whatever the case may be and that at the exterior you should have the ability to make your feelings flow at such a level that you are strong and here by strong i mean mentally strong.

It took a lot of people to make me understand this and i am grateful to all of them. I would have understood it myself but it would have taken ages to do so by when i might not have been able to learn anything or rather, correct anything.

It felt nice to know that there are those who care about me out there. Felt even nicer that i was right about them all along (some judgments thankfully are right :)). What felt the nicest was that i could bring myself to say that, "fine. got screwed majorly. but i have lived through the most of it and for the part that remains, i shall be strong" :)

Having been witness to a lot of events on campus which i would have hated to put myself in i realise that there is a lot more to life than live in the past. Or rather live with the aftermath of the past.

The future looms ahead. It may not be a clear one but it surely is one full of grit and determination.

Sometimes its just about "snippety snip" if you know what i mean ;)

To end, ill just say this, "Not all those who wander are lost".

A song to describe things most aptly as usual, "believe" by "the bravery"

The faces all around me they don't smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do our time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for

There's a smell of stale fear that's reeking from our skins.
The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins
We sit and grow our roots into the floor
But what are we waiting for?


So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

Something's always coming you can hear it in the ground
It swells into the air
With the rising
Rising sound
And never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
What are we waiting for

I am hiding from some beast
But the beast was always here
Watching without eyes
Because the beast is just my fear
That I am just nothing
Now its just what I've become
What am I waiting for
Its already done

change

How many times have you heard this common phrase, "Change is the only thing that is constant" or "Change is inevitable" or "Change is good"... There are millions like these all alluding to the same set of emotions. For many, the most powerful emotion of this set might be that of hatred but as the dust slowly settles, its just sadness that remains. At least for me it does.

As i look around me, i see a lot of change. Of course its a personal view of change and hence subject to correction but a view to create thoughts for myself by nonetheless. I just asked someone today as to how much have we all changed in the years yet at Pilani and was the change all good? He gave a short and simple answer "No".

This very person would have played around, made fun and then answered my question in a very different way if i had asked him the same thing 1 year back and 6 months back as well. The conversation did one thing definitely, made me realise that what has not changed is us inherently. 

We are still the same. Still the same set of values. Still the same very beings. Still the same set preprogrammed actions to certain situations.

What has changed is the multitude of relationships that have developed over the period of years at Pilani. Now when these relationships grow complex, problems are bound to occur. Because in such a closed society which is arguably competitive and willing to engage in "idealisitic" conversations, interrelationships can never be stable. 

I mean it would be unfair to Professor Nash and Mr. Nietzsche to say that in the complexities of a dynamic human interrelation system, people will be playing non zero sum games right? There would be externalities like personal agendas or should i say vendettas. It is a misfortune of the human neurosystem to judge someone on the basis of someone else but thats the way we are and we should not shy away from it. 

You know what I would want to call maturity?

E-X-P-E-R-I-E-N-C-E period

From the date i wrote my last post, i have matured. Yes, i have made mistakes. And yes, i have paid the price for them. But at the end of the day, i consider it my prerogative to accept reality. Something which a lot of people need to do in general  i guess.

Never be conceited. Never think condescendingly of others. Never indulge in things you are not fully aware about. Never bite off more than you can chew.

And here is the last and possibly the most cliched takeaway... Only care about those who care about you.

Someone told me that this phase is transition. Just try and do whatever you want and be happy. I understand at my level now fully the depth of this statement. Just gather all the possible experience you can from all this, becuase this was just a trailor. I mean my time frame of the last 3 months and the period to follow at college.

How can i ostracize hypocrisy when i have done it myself? How can lambast morals when my very own were shaky? 

These are questions i have asked of myself and been surprised at the answers. Its a wonder at how screwed up you can get emotionally and then when those emotions feed your logic. Its a bigger wonder as to why such few people actually think about the above questions?

A constant conscience check. Maybe thats the answer. Anyhow, this blog is merely for my own venting and something to enjoy reading when im senile i guess. Not for hits or unwanted comments. Because somehow, somewhere down the line, we are all going to miss this madness when we pass out.And i mean for all its turns.

Enough of rambling i guess. My physical self is in Pune. My mental self in Pilani. And the doc cant figure out whether i have appendicitis or not. BOSM goes on. Hope to get back to efficiency soon. 

Till then, a song to appropriae my emotions (this is possibly the best way to do that you know)

Unwell by Matchbox 20,

"

All day 
Staring at the ceiling 
Making friends with shadows on my wall 
All night 
Hearing voices telling me 
That I should get some sleep 
Because tomorrow might be good for something 
Hold on 
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a 
Breakdown 
I don't know why 
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell 
I know, right now you can't tell 
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 
A different side of me 
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired 
I know, right now you don't care 
But soon enough you're gonna think of me 
And how I used to be 
Me 
Talking to myself in public 
Dodging glances on the train 
I know 
I know they've all been talking 'bout me 
I can hear them whisper 
And it makes me think there must be something wrong 
With me 
Out of all the hours thinking 
Somehow 
I've lost my mind 
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell 
I know, right now you can't tell 
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 
A different side of me 
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired 
I know right now you don't care 
But soon enough you're gonna think of me 
And how I used to be 
I been talking in my sleep 
Pretty soon they'll come to get me 
Yeah, they're taking me away 
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell 
I know, right now you can't tell 
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 
A different side of me 
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired 
I know, right now you don't care 
But soon enough you're gonna think of me 
And how I used to be 
Hey, how I used to be 
How I used to be, yeah 
Well I'm just a little unwell 
How I used to be 
How I used to be 

"

Adios amigos

Compromise

If you have seen the new Batman, i mean Batman Begins (and not the dark knight), there is a certain dialogue between bruce wayne as a child and his dad. It happens after a terrible experience of Bruce falling down into a dark hole and stuck there for a considerable period of time. To comfort Bruce, his dad asks him, "Son, why do we fall down?". Now its more of a rhetorical question and the answer he gives is, "To stand up again".

From the moment i heard this, i felt a chill crawl up my spine. Its one of those things that make you have goosebumps. Well, it did for me anyway. True to its first impression, it has made its presence felt. Sporadically yes, but in ways which cannot possibly be spoken and felt the same way.

But then again, what experiences are felt and reciprocated in a similar fashion after narration huh....

Anyhow, what I am getting at is compromises. At least i have realised personally over this period of 7 years ish, basically since my stint in Delhi and Pilani is that these "one word catastrophes" are there everywhere. Some are hidden and some aren't. Some we realise and some we dont. For the ones we do end up realising at the same time as they are made, we end up in the worst case scenario.

Few things can be harder than making a compromise and realising to a great extent what its possible implications are.

I have had to make a few in Pilani and i might need to make a few more in the near future. Call me a coward but i am scared of making them.

You know why?

Coz they are not just going to affect me but going to affect other people as well. Thats the hardest part of it. You know that you shall face the music later on and then squarely blame yourself for all the horrible consequences.

Manageable.

But the others whom your decisions affect? Who will they blame?

Well, 10 out of 10 times, you and only you.

Hateful, is it not?

But there is no point shying away from it. These have to made, for the good or for the better. There are some who accept it and move on and some who break apart. Till now, i have been in the former category but as relationships deepen and the web grows complex, can i keep my sanity?

In this train of thought, comes a quote in mind....
"Conquer your fear....
.... And you shall conquer death"

Team

Life has been hell for the past 2 months. There has been so much to lose that every loss now seems surreal. Have you ever been in that position?

I'm sure you have. Why not? Because everyone goes through muck right? And then you feel that you're the only one going through all the possible troubles of the world... People then have the odassity to say that, "Look at those people. They are suffering more than you".

SCREW you, i tell them.

Why should i look at those who are suffering more than me? Why should i not look at those who are better off than me? Why should i feel that one should be satisfied with what one's got?

If its a trade off between sanity and achievement, i'd rather be a mad achiever. NQA

The hell continues and i wonder when it shall finally cease. Maybe it never does. Maybe that is what is called life. Expectations rarely match and you know what, ill live life just to see the day they do. Coz i know they shall someday....

In the midst of all the mess, you have these little rays of sunshine right. Well, i just saw "Any Given Sunday" AGAIN....

and it hit....

To quote Al Pacino, "I don’t know what to say, really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today, and either, we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play. Until we're finished. We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time. Now I can't do it for ya, I'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces and I think, I mean, I've made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make. I, uh, I've pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who's ever loved me. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know, when you get old, in life, things get taken from you. I mean, that's... that's... that's a part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losin' stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, so is football. Because in either game - life or football - the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second. On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! I'll tell you this, in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. And I know, if I'm gonna have any life anymore it's because I'm still willing to fight and die for that inch, because that's what living is, the six inches in front of your face. Now I can't make you do it. You've got to look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now I think ya going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. Your gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team, because he knows when it comes down to it your gonna do the same for him. That's a team, gentlemen, and either, we heal, now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That's football guys, that's all it is. Now, what are you gonna do?"

God i loved it when he said it. I shall live for this very feeling itself coz "On any given sunday, you're either gona win or you're gona lose. The point is can you win or lose like a man?"

So long and thanks for all the fish.
- Dark and Dangerous